I Forgive You

I remember every “I am sorry” that I’ve said

Every “I messed up”

Every “I made a mistake”

And yet every counting day, I make the mistake

Of loving myself a little less

 

When I stumble and fall

When I lose control of it all

When I feel weak and defeated

I apologize to myself

For letting go of the empire of strength that I had built

And settling for a sorrowful solitude of self-destruction

 

As I wade through the unyielding pool of trying to redeem myself

I hear a still voice

“I forgive you”

“I forgive you for feeling defeated”

“I forgive you for feeling weak”

“I forgive you for when you lost control”

“I forgive you for when you stumbled”

“And fell and endless fall”

“Of fixating on what you couldn’t do, didn’t do, or shouldn’t have done”

“Of telling yourself that everything you are”

“Is now reduced to a mere mistake”

“And there are no measures that you can take”

“To mitigate the upcoming self-hate”

 

I pause, and I look behind

Squint, to discern if this is some kind of illusion

But I see the simple truth

And see that it’s me— my one and only reflection

It’s my voice

Saying bold and clear

“I forgive you”

“I forgive you for every mistake you’ve ever made”

“I forgive you for everything you think you cannot achieve”

“I forgive you for taking the blame for things you cannot control”

 

“I forgive you for it all”

“But most of all”

“I forgive you for not believing you are worthy of forgiveness”

 

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There’s Power in Pain

I have the tendency to create work for myself even when I am on vacation. Most of it is productive self-growth work, that is actually worthwhile. The other is the human being’s classic tendency to overthink and create problems for themselves to deal with, in addition to the beautiful chaos that life is. To take a break from all of it, and to abandon my to-do list, I sat down with a magazine and a pair of scissors. I made some found poetry!

The fear of failing, recovering from failure, and keeping your head up no matter what has been on my mind lately. I found strength through my found poetry.  I found the strength to take some time off for myself to do the things I love and remind myself to be more compassionate toward myself. I am going to take the lessons I learn from my failures with me and use it as a fuel to continue to energetically chase after my dreams. I realize that it might seem terribly hard and painful at first, but rising up and rebuilding your strengths is what the world is waiting for you to do. The world is counting on you to continue your journey because no one else can do justice to excelling at it more than you ever can.

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Thank you to Writing 201 for introducing me to Found Poetry ^-^ here is another piece I made a while ago!

 

thank u, nexus of all the beautiful things that life is made of

I am grateful
I am grateful for the air
that fills my lungs with life 
I am grateful for the water
that reminds me that you can be whoever you want to be
I am grateful for the beautiful blue skies 
and everything beneath them
I am grateful for everything that has built me up 
and everything that has left me broken
I am grateful for the victories that gave me strength
and the heartbreaks and mistakes that made me stronger
I am grateful for my mom, my dad, my sister 
and everyone else who feels like family
I am grateful for who I am, who I was, and who I will be
I am grateful for everything I have 
and everything that makes me, me
I am grateful for this beautiful world
that is home to the dark clouds of chaos
and yet, leaves room for a sky full of stars

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Pause everything you’re doing and take a moment right now to think of all the things you are grateful for!!! (:

The title of this post was a play on the name of the popular song thank u, next by Ariana Grande. I just wanted to leave this bit of information here to make sure you are not clueless if you are reading this in the future where the song is not relevant anymore. Literally, the only other world that begins with ‘nex’ was ‘nexus’, so I had to make do.
I do not know why I felt the need to do this, but here we are lol.

turbulent

I just found out that one of my personality types is ‘Turbulent’. Turbulent. YOU’RE SAYING I AM TURBULENT??? AAAH.

I think personality test makers get a good laugh out of just seeing ‘Turbulent’ people’s turbulent reaction to when they are told that they are ‘Turbulent’.

Come join the club if you have ever stressed about saying something out loud in the fear of what people might think. This could be pitching an idea in a super important meeting with people whom you really want to make a good impression on, or it could be saying hello like a normal person to your highly inconsequential and unrealistic crush. My heart literally beats faster than how fast I would run (no, sprint) out of the room in these situations.

At times like these, I like to step back. I take a step back and I listen to why my heart is racing and why my brain is thinking all the thoughts that it has ever thought in all of eternity, all at once. I listen carefully to that voice. I sit down next to it on the floor, patiently, understandingly nodding my head at every frantic explanation it tries to give me about why it’s doing what it’s doing. And I smile. I smile the biggest, most encouraging smile and I tell that voice, ‘You care so much!! You care about the impact you make on this big beautiful blue planet even though you are a tiny blob sitting here on the floor! I am proud of the ever-trying always-enthusiastic blob you are. The world loves you for how much effort and thought you put into each word you utter. More importantly, the world loves you for exactly the happy little blob you are, regardless of the constant state of chaos you find yourself in. If panicking a little bit is just the normal chain of things that need to be put into play for you to be satisfied with your efforts, so be it. Just remember that the world cares about you just as much you care about it. The amount of kindness and care that you send out is what should be in your life’s inbox, waiting to love you back for the amazing little blob that you are. If for some reason, your inbox seems to be empty and devoid of the reflection of the love you beam out to the world, consider refocussing that vibrant burst of energy that you possess somewhere else. Direct it towards someone or somewhere more deserving of your sparkling presence”.

“You may be turbulent, but know that you’re a turbulent storm of a beautiful and incredibly positive energy that you strive to gift to the world, just so that you can be the shining star to someone’s dark skies.”

I am an INFJ-T! What about you?

you are a diamond

Hi! Hello! How are you? I hope you are fine. And if you are not, I hope that this time of difficulty is something you will look back at in a few days and thank the world for putting your abilities through an extremely difficult test, for it will truly bring out the absolute best in you. Just keep going. I know you can get through this, and that is not merely a positive affirmation. It is a reality check of how incredible your abilities are because of how far you have come and how strong you have been up until this very moment.

Believe it or not, you are a diamond in the rough, and have always been a diamond in your own utterly unique and fantastic way. You might not have shone as brightly as you’ve wanted to at some points of your life, but that is probably because you were not in the right time and place in your life for that to happen. Scientifically, diamonds need a source of light that they can reflect, illuminating their near vicinity with a radiant light of their best qualities. In the lack of favorable motivation, resources, people, and situations, this light source may disappear, but hey, you don’t ever stop being a diamond! Sure, you might sometimes be a diamond in dormancy and inactivity- but you are constantly active in the process of rejuvenation and self-realization, thinking “Heck! Look at me! I am a diamond, even if the world gives me no credit and disregards me, telling me that I am a dull and lifeless rock.” Do not listen to the naysayers. You are indeed a rock, but you are a rock of shifting capabilities and an unrealized beauty. At the end of the day, it is up to you to interpret what kind of a rock you want to be. You are a diamond if you believe you are a diamond. You can and will shine brightly even when your opportunities look bleak. When you do shine bright, you might be in disbelief of your achievements. You might not be able to see yourself for how wonderful you are, but the world sees you in glory. The people that support you and appreciate you are the light in your life that you need to appreciate. Admittedly, at times, you need to be your own light to illuminate the inner works, the behind-the-scenes of the show that you put on for the world. Believing that you are a diamond is the first step. The rest will follow and fuel you forward with a self-belief that you are capable and will continue to be capable, regardless of what hardships that come your way.

You are a diamond.

unimportant outro: I was originally going to write something that was going to be titled “I was wrong”, A Status Update, explaining how I had so fantastically failed to write something every day on my blog in an attempt to do the Blurt Foundation’s Self Careathon. My sister had told me that this would be too ambitious and I had disagreed. I was wrong! It is exhausting and too ambitious for me to post something every day on here because of the high standards that I set for myself. I guess I have to admit that my idea of self-care right now is not having a routine/deadline and to instead take things as they come. The thought for today is that I am a diamond, you are a diamond, WE ARE ALL DIAMONDS. We are at our show-off type of best when the lights are on and we shine brightly, and we are at our different type of best when they are not. I am at a type of best that doesn’t look like it, but I know is helping me build myself up for the next superstar reveal. This post might not have made a lot of sense, but this is the diamond that I am right now, and that is okay. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My Support System

I have a very strange relationship with the outside world.
As I grow up, I have learned to recognize who I am as a person, what values I will fight for the justice of and what opinions I could never side with because of how hurtful they are. I have discovered that I am good at listening, and can offer some good words to a conversation if I’m given some time to think to myself. Though I internally know how I should act and talk and carry myself when in interaction with the outside world, it never pans out like I would imagine it in my head. I panic because of the unexpected turns and surprises that the outside world has in store for me. The thoughts that turn into speech bubbles are so different from what I have in my mind. Because of this discrepancy that I cannot look past, I keep things to myself. I feel defeated at times, thinking that if I always struggle with expressing myself, the world will never see me for who I really am. The reason why I call this a ‘struggle’ is that as I talk about this, I feel like an anomaly. Even though a majority of my brain is always a little anxious about the outside world, it also gets a lot of happiness from it. The people I meet, the experiences I have and just marveling at the outside world for all the amazing things it consists of like poetry, photosynthesis, planes, skyscrapers, how the sun rises every morning, how humans build bridges to travel over oceans‐all make me so happy! These things inspire me and instill a fire burning in me to do something positively impactful for the world even if it’s in the tiniest of ways. The outside world is my support system, while the inner mechanics of my brain work on building creativity, courage, and willpower.
Prompt: Outside+Support
Self Careathon, Day 5 & 6
#BlurtSelfCareathon

starry eyes and snuggles

!!! IT’S BEEN A LONG AND TIRING DAY, but in all the good ways.
 .
I sigh and smile and sleepily snuggle with my blanket, ready for a good night’s sleep and I recieve a hug. And then another one, and another! A warm hug from the feeling of feeling at home when I’m with myself. A happy hug from remembering all the people I love. A wonder struck hug from the inspiring stories I’ve read and the wonderful power of imagination. A hug with a little laughter and happy tears of good times, old friendships, and memories. A victorious hug from everything that has gone right- it gives me love. An understanding hug from everything that has gone wrong- it gives me strength.
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Snuggled up in my blanket of gratefulness, I’ve got stars in my eyes and dreams on my mind.
 .
It’s time to sleep now, to recharge for another day that’s one of a kind.
 . 
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Prompt: Snuggle!
#BlurtSelfCareathon