Seasons

One of the hardest things for humans to do that they’ve never been trained on is sitting still in uncertainty. Our instant reflex is either to run away or hide in a corner, and deal with it in solitude. Or our instant reflex is to eat a yummy sugary dessert hoping all our problems will go away, even if it’s just for a little while.

The hard part about uncertainty is that only one thing is in focus- the big, obvious, glaring fact of not knowing what is ahead. Every other positive and fortunate thing in life is hidden away behind a mysterious grey cloud, with no sign of when the sun will come out again.

Sadly, there is no daily weather forecast to life. There’s no prediction of what will happen tomorrow or how different we will feel when things finally fall into place. In moments like this, we often want to connect with the people around us, but are afraid of seeming fragile. Or even worse, seeming “not put together” as some of us see it, who have been taught that an organized, structured progression of life is the only acceptable way.

Something that has helped me in these uncertain bubbles of time is revisiting places I’ve been to in the past. I like to think about how the memories of my last time being there were so different from right now. It reminds me that if I felt hopeful the last time I visited here, I am capable of feeling that emotion again. If I was feeling happier and more hopeful then than I do now, it means I am taking a brave leap, a courageous risk to change the course of my life- changes that I know will in the end, help me grow.

Even if we cannot predict tomorrow’s weather forecast, I am learning to trust that the seasons are changing slowly. I know I won’t see the signs of changes today or tomorrow, but I am slowly moving closer and closer to my goal. Until that day, I will have to find ways to accept and make room for the uncertainty, to bloom into something beautiful sometime soon.

wish list for my to-do list

I am currently in a phase of my life that requires me to work like a high speed train- at a constant and rapid pace with very few stops.

It seems completely unrealistic to expect this from myself and yet it is what my current academic work needs. When I find myself fatigued and overwhelmed, I try to hold on to things that bring me little pockets of joy. I know that pushing back some of my productivity goals will cause more stress, but in moments of extreme exhaustion, I feel like the only thing that will save me is listening to myself, listening to what I truly need.

I believe it now when people say that it is not about “having” time, it is about making time for the things that matter.

This is me screaming into the beautiful depths of the stars and galaxies above us- I want to make time! I want to make time for the things that truly matter to me, that remind me of who I am.

Dropping everything to make a healthy, hearty meal

Talking with a friend and connecting on dealing with similar struggles

Lying down on a comfy bean bag chair and reading comics

Taking a long and windy walk, just to soak up the sun on a cold day

Reading children’s books to remember just how simple life’s joys can be

Wondering how Spring brings all kinds of beautiful changes in nature

And finally, just being 🙂

These are the things that I know I live for and maybe this stubbornness to make time will help me strike a balance between achieving my biggest, boldest career dreams as well as the warmth and comfiness of my highly social and emotional self. Even though this sentimental piece of writing could be produced in a second by AI, I want to make time to indulge in creating meaningful documentation of the beautiful chaos in and around me.

What a call the “popcorn” tree, one of many beautiful spring moments that I’m trying to make time for

Reconnect

Patchwork

The way my world works
Is that I belong
Everywhere and nowhere
All at once

But maybe not having an anchor
Or a true idea of home
Is not that bad after all

The way my world lights up
On hearing a Bollywood tune
As I fight the urge to break out in dance
At the Indian grocery store

Feels just as special as
When my eyes sparkle walking through
A park full of Christmas lights

The way my world has many different voices
As I laugh at jokes that get lost in translation
And the joy of finding someone who knows my language

Somehow makes me feel empowered
To switch between languages and mannerisms
As if I were a shapeshifter with a power
To connect with people from three different cultures

The way my worlds collide
When I’m afraid of losing touch with my roots
And figuring out how I fit into in a new culture
Is a balancing act, a puzzle of self discovery

Where I’m learning that it doesn’t have to be a difficult game of tug of war
And instead could be a splash of many different colors
Supporting and complementing each other
Weaving a strong willed sense of individualism and independence
Together with a warm and comforting sense of a collectivist community

As they all come together to create
A beautiful patchwork of
Me

Is when I knew
That even though I am not sure where my home is
I had found a home within myself

A musing about my ever changing and confusing cultural identity of being south asian in the US

A Million Metaphors

I am taking a deep breath
A quick pause
Just to fully take in this moment

I want to take it in
Before the next wave
Of the next moment arrives
Right after the one before
Goes to rest

A seemingly simple
Linear progression
Has felt overly complex
Like a million little raindrops
Falling down in chaos
When I’m used to
The smooth motion of a wave

There could be a million metaphors About time
None of which does justice
To the endless rhythm
The rushing fastness
Sometimes painful slowness
That is time

Poetry Present

I wrote a poem for a friend’s birthday today and it reminded me of when I celebrated my 2020 pandemic birthday with a diary-entry type of poem for myself. I am aware that a lot of what I write on this blog revolves around self belief and mental health, but I think the words I’m most proud of are when they come naturally, at midnight, as I pour my heart out into poetry! Ah I love art and how dramatic it lets me be 😄 here is the poem:

Jamming to Taylor Swift music
Writing letters of gratitude
Receiving lots of instant love
With emojis and nostalgia
I am enveloped
In so much care
So much so that
I remember to forgive myself
For being unkind
To myself
In my weakest moments
I forgive myself
For thinking I was
Unlovable, incapable

I forgive myself
For it all
And give myself
The power
To rise above
The battle ground
Where I waged a war
Between the best
And worst parts
Of me and my heart

I give myself the power
To believe
In my capability of victory
In my resilience to learn from failure
In my willpower to do better everyday
In my courage to dream big

I give myself the power
To believe
In my love for others
And my growing love for myself

Some Days

Some days, the ground feels shaky. I can’t find the right words and I second guess what I say. I feel like I don’t belong, like I’m unappreciated, unwelcome. I label myself as the root of all my problems and self diagnose with being not enough. I overthink- thinking about why I’m thinking all these tangled thoughts.

Some days, I’m at the top of the world. I know my worth and wear a crown of self belief. These are the days that I can laugh off my mistakes and be kind to my growing self. Uplifting music makes me feel unstoppable. No task is too difficult, just some healthy challenges and stepping stones to reach my bright and bold end goal.

Some days, both ends of this spectrum co-exist. I see the beauty of a rainbow after a thunderstorm. Dealing with a flood of emotions as the aftermath, I learn how to float 🌠

This musing was inspired by Lizzy McAlpine’s song Apple Pie

Capture

Lately I’ve been finding it hard to document all that I feel. I’ve been feeling pages worth of thoughts, but can’t quite transform them into words. For now these moments are best captured in small bites 💭 I’ve been wondering

How the colors of nature contrast with each other perfectly

How art is all around us, whispering to remind us to stop and cherish it

How a scoop of ice cream can make you forget about the worries of the world

How it is possible to find comfort in a constantly changing idea of home

How a new beginning feels a little daunting and pretty wonderful at the same time- just like flying mid air 30,000 feet above the ground

And how the journey ahead will lead to some new and exciting destinations, spawning into new and exciting journeys of their own ✨

Emotional Teamwork

I recently watched Pixar’s Inside Out and feel like the creators emptied the contents of my brain to use as a storyline! The movie paints an accurate picture of the unpredictable reality of our emotions.

More than anything, this movie has helped me be more accepting of my mental health’s highs and lows. Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust are the main characters living inside my head, just like in Riley’s head, the main character of the movie who is a young teen going through a lot of life changes all at once.

In my life’s storyline, every time I encounter a situation where things do not go according to plan, I feel a sense of Fear, Sadness and Anger (even though I try to run away as far as I can from that red hot Anger). These three emotions take control in an uncontrollable way and do not give Joy any room to look at the bright side. Feeling lost and alone casts a shadow in my mind, just like the strong and gloomy glow that Sadness emits. In these times when Sadness takes center stage, talking to a friend and asking for advice feels like Joy has burst into the room, dancing and spreading her sparkle as far as she can. Joy does not just uplift the room but she also creates space for other emotions to express themselves. This is Joy’s most important responsibility. The moment this balance is disturbed and our mind suppresses a certain negative emotion, the difficult situation feels heavier and our mind over-amplifies our emotional response to it. If I suppress Sadness, it turns into Anger of how and why I let this failure happen. If I suppress anger, it turns into Fear of never having it my way. If I suppress Fear, it turns into Disgust of feeling weak and unstable. 

This interesting article by Vox has a great illustration on describing how our emotions overlap to give rise to more complex and nuanced emotions, both good and bad Chart: How Inside Out’s 5 emotions work together to make more feelings. The “bad” emotions are only bad when we let them overtake us. It is in turn their responsibility to share the load with Joy and let each emotion help in their own unique way. It takes emotional teamwork to grow more resilient each day.

I am learning to be okay with the fact that my emotions are like waves, some will rise elegantly, some will crash over the shores, and some will smoothly and surely keep going. Once I accept all these different emotions and the whole spectrum of intermediary emotions- only then will I be steady and in control of how I choose to react to the unpredictable weather of life. I may not be the best yet at having that control, but I am learning.

Human

I’ve realized that the most human thing that humans do is hide how far from perfect we are. I don’t share my blog openly or often because I share a lot about the truly “human” or simply imperfect parts of myself here. Insecurities, doubts, failures, mistakes, hope, resilience, and just doing my best to stand back up are some of my most commonly discussed topics 😀 so if you’re here, even though I don’t share this space a lot, thank you! And as you leave, take away with you the permission.. to be human.