Paint and Self-Love

I used to imagine myself living as a black silhouette against a vast blue backdrop. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the kind of blue you’d see in the sky. It was sad and dull and was a color that would come in a paint can labeled ‘Melancholy Blue’, which I voluntarily let someone spill all over my walls. Every inch of the space around me engulfed me in the blues of my worries and anxieties.

Sometime later, I started to paint my walls in black. To me, a black backdrop felt like the greatest idea because it would camouflage my fears, my flaws, and my failures into an expanse of nothingness. And honestly, it did a great job at hiding them.

The countless layers of black paint that I vowed to surround myself with helped the mistake-making human being that I was, quite a lot. I have flaws ranging from A to Z—a list long enough that I could write a poem about them all while drinking some alphabet soup. I could write endless aisles of books about my flaws, with, of course, a section of horribly written ones about my constant struggle with writer’s block. I painted black over everything around me as I began the monologue of how I’ve got a long list of extraordinary imperfections. “I am afraid of a lot of things. I always try my best to be brave, but the constant reminders that I have to give myself to be brave just come back to me as a note of how fear always seems to win in my head. I am anxious about human interaction and socializing because I think I’ll mess up, and lose my chance at a lifetime of happiness. At this point, I should also mention that my love for jumping to conclusions is the lead singer of the band in my head called ‘I Have Flaws’. And so, goes on their latest melancholy tune. I overthink and endlessly over analyze, which also leaves me a lifetime supply of indecisiveness. My to-do lists are endless, always taking on too much. Impossibility and impracticality seem to disappear from my lexicon when I plan what I have to do each day, and I think it’s a perfectly good idea to do everything at once. I don’t have a defined sense of fashion which makes it seem like everyone I lay my eyes on is the most beautiful person on earth. This also make me feel like a potato whenever I look into the mirror. I am scared of public speaking because it takes me less than a moment to forget everything I had rehearsed, sending my brain into a downward spiral of nervousness and panic. My extreme introversion sometimes makes me feel like I’m missing out on living the life of a college student, and doing rebellious things that would leave me with photographs that I could post with hashtags YOLO. Oh, and before I forget, I am very forgetful and have a hard time remembering everything from my scary lecture notes, and the even scarier birthdates of loved ones.”

Not even half done with listing everything that I thought was wrong with me, I realized that I was finished with all the painting already. I was now surrounded by a totally dark backdrop which would keep everyone oblivious to my flaws and everything wrong with me. However, taking a step back, it dawned on me that in an attempt at hiding my flaws from the world, I had blended myself into my insecurities, making myself and my identity invisible to the world.

In the middle of a sudden surge of panic of how my plan had backfired, I remembered the one and only flaw I had that was strangely more self-reflective than self-destructive. It was just one but I believed it was truly powerful. This flaw of mine was how I always wished to stay on familiar, comfortable grounds where I felt most powerful, capable and sure of myself. To my surprise, I felt most comfortable when I was with myself. Now, it seemed a little odd to me that if I enjoyed being with myself so much, I could possibly enjoy being myself too. This little ray of hope that I had, suddenly illuminated my way out of the pitch darkness. I went out into the world, found myself some white color instead, and painted it over every bit of the darkness in my past. It was a revelation to me how free my mind felt in this new white space, that seemed infinite, and was truly accepting of every one of my shortcomings and proud of my little victories. It was an open canvas just for me to paint in rainbow colors of accepting my flaws. This discovery reminded me that self-love wasn’t just black or white. Self-love was a spectrum of hardships, failing, falling, feeling strongly about giving up, just before turning everything around, and coming back stronger and braver than ever before. I doodled on a little orange Band-Aid of healing, and happy green leaves of growing right next to the colorful rainbow to remind myself that when I was not growing, I was healing, and that maybe growing and healing were the same thing in a beautiful way.

Effortlessly, a few shades of colors taught me to reinvent how I thought of happiness. I now knew that I should never feel like I am entitled to being sad. Neither should I try to hopelessly hide all my flaws or let them define me. I learned to accept my flaws, to open myself up to taking on challenges, and to be kind to myself. All thanks to a little bit of paint and self-love.

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i want to go

i want to go somewhere into the unknown
with no room for thought to think that i’m trapped, in a box
i want to run, and feel like i’m filled with fresh air
and not breathless, stuck in a loop of unhappy unproductivity
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i want to be on the go, every second that the clock ticks
to give myself purpose, some progress to take pride in
i want to rest and re-energize and not be too hard on myself
to remember that perfectionism is not the goal
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i want to keep running to reach a different world entirely
one where i make every day that i live life-changing, in a way
because with my over-thinking and being overly precautious
i spend my days away thinking of ways to instantly paint the bigger picture
but Euclid says in his fifth Axiom that, the whole is greater than the part
which reminds me to dream big, but start small
turns out, that taking on the whole world at once will be way more catastrophic
than the bite-sized, conquerable steps to success and a happy face
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i want to run away from the mishaps and haunting memories
of the past, forgotten, and miserably abandoned
i want to run to keep up with this fast-paced world
to not let the world push me around
.
and instead, do things i love so that i can
one day, go, and
move the world
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WEDIM, Day 7
Kindly overlook the weird punctuation and non-existent capitalisation.
This poem essentially started off with me guilt-tripping myself about why I slept in until 11 AM and didn’t go out for a walk/run. Who knew other dysfunctionalities
of your head clears your way out of writer’s block?

Happy Things

Words make me happy.
And on the days that I can’t get my tapping fingers and wandering imagination to cooperate, wandering imagination to cooperate, pictures of happy things make me happy instead.
If that makes sense.
Yeah.
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Okay yeah, let’s go.

WEDIM, Day 6

Super You

This goes out
To the young
Troubled souls
Who are down
And weak

IMG_1625
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Don’t you worry
Because you will grow
Into a super human
Building bravery
Courageous, confidently
With the inevitable mistakes
That make you stronger
As you are learning, everyday
How to be
A super you
.
But as long as
You are here
Embrace it
The stutters
The fumbles
The breakdowns
.
Because you
Are you
As you try
To hold on
To this mighty
Unfathomable
Miraculous
World
Until the pain
And the panic
All fade away

IMG_1623

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WEDIM, Day 5
Thanks to How to Draw and Paint for teaching my five-year-old-drawing-hand how to draw a tiny super you lol 

Oddly-Unhappy

 

I have an unusual response to happiness. Unlike people who are sad, and a disoriented mess. They are allowed to have an upside down smile. While I, have been breaking the rules for a while. Do you see fireworks in the sky, in colours of success and glee? Look around carefully, and you’ll see me. Visibly happy. Yet oddly-unhappy. It’s the strangest thing, I know. I don’t know what happens to my brain’s processing flow. The happy thing goes straight from ‘incoming’ to the department of ‘overwhelming’. Which soon advances to ‘disbelief’ and ‘infinite self-doubting’. Now, I do my best to not sound ungrateful. Because that’s the last emotional stunt I’d like my head to pull. If I could, I would delve into the workings of my brain. To find out why I feel content in the grey, pouring rain. While I only house a limited supply of happiness when I’ve finally bid goodbye to the treacherous pain. 
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Let me explain before your head goes like “whaaaaat did I just read?” “what is wrong?” “you alright?”. I am pretty much just as confused of these words that came out of my head but I think I know what’s going on.
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Every time that something extravagantly incredible or unbelievable happens, anything of the ‘happy’ kind, I have no clue how to deal with it and express my happy thoughts. You will seriously find me absolutely silent, or sitting quietly in a corner, or busying myself in something else after the socially-required few minutes of sharing the happiness with close ones. This usually looks like I’m ‘unhappy’ to other human beings who look at my face and actions. I know this for sure because sometimes, I see it too in that darned magic device of self reflection (a mirror, I meant a mirror). I’m currently transitioning into a new phase of my life that has an infinite scope for learning new things and being curious and exploring all the tangible feelings that this world holds. But this transition isn’t the world of sunshines and blue skies that I thought it would be.
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It’s so weird that whenever something huge happens, I would rather sit in peace and be wonderstruck than go party and express my happiness eloquently without stuttering. Hmm. How did I get here? *hopeless chuckle* I guess I’m just internally savouring the happy turn that my life has taken. I guess.. it could be something entirely different, I don’t know.
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I kind of think that this also happened with me starting WEDIM? I was so excited about it. And proud that I did it for three days straight. But then, TOTAL DISORIENTATION TIME woohoo! I am going to try my best to do the rest of the days. Again, it’s my key to staying sane. Also, I’ve noticed I say the words ‘brain’ and ‘head’ a lot on here. But aren’t you curious as heck about these too? They’re so fascinating but also drive you crazy. Okay. That’s it for now. Hope you’re visibly happy and oddly still crazy happy.
WEDIM, Day 4

l o v e

Love equals smiles
Topped with glee
And an ice cream moustache

Love equals happy eyes
Taking in this mighty world
With courage and wonder

Love equals f
…………………fa
…………………..l
…………………..l
…………………..i
…………………..n
…………………..g
For the unknown
And finding y o u r s e l f

Love equals this poem
Strangely clueless, trying
To describe the indescribable

WEDIM, Day 3

night-time routine, by a team of brain cells

Busy thoughts and tired eyes
“Just get some rest!”, my brain sighs
“Too many things on the To-Do”
“Doubts and fears as deep as the ocean blue”
“Your keeping calm abilities are clearly in jeopardy”
“Things are confusing now, but just let them be!”
“Undress your thoughts”
“Out of the insecurities of all sorts”
“Put on your favourite pyjamas”
“And dream, of the moon and stars”
“Wrap the panic-stricken panic in a warm blanket”
“With an alarm at opportunity o’ clock, all set”

“Tomorrow’s another day”
“And funnily enough, this crazy internal monologue.. shall replay”

WEDIM, Day 2