A Million Metaphors

I am taking a deep breath
A quick pause
Just to fully take in this moment

I want to take it in
Before the next wave
Of the next moment arrives
Right after the one before
Goes to rest

A seemingly simple
Linear progression
Has felt overly complex
Like a million little raindrops
Falling down in chaos
When I’m used to
The smooth motion of a wave

There could be a million metaphors About time
None of which does justice
To the endless rhythm
The rushing fastness
Sometimes painful slowness
That is time

Poetry Present

I wrote a poem for a friend’s birthday today and it reminded me of when I celebrated my 2020 pandemic birthday with a diary-entry type of poem for myself. I am aware that a lot of what I write on this blog revolves around self belief and mental health, but I think the words I’m most proud of are when they come naturally, at midnight, as I pour my heart out into poetry! Ah I love art and how dramatic it lets me be 😄 here is the poem:

Jamming to Taylor Swift music
Writing letters of gratitude
Receiving lots of instant love
With emojis and nostalgia
I am enveloped
In so much care
So much so that
I remember to forgive myself
For being unkind
To myself
In my weakest moments
I forgive myself
For thinking I was
Unlovable, incapable

I forgive myself
For it all
And give myself
The power
To rise above
The battle ground
Where I waged a war
Between the best
And worst parts
Of me and my heart

I give myself the power
To believe
In my capability of victory
In my resilience to learn from failure
In my willpower to do better everyday
In my courage to dream big

I give myself the power
To believe
In my love for others
And my growing love for myself

Some Days

Some days, the ground feels shaky. I can’t find the right words and I second guess what I say. I feel like I don’t belong, like I’m unappreciated, unwelcome. I label myself as the root of all my problems and self diagnose with being not enough. I overthink- thinking about why I’m thinking all these tangled thoughts.

Some days, I’m at the top of the world. I know my worth and wear a crown of self belief. These are the days that I can laugh off my mistakes and be kind to my growing self. Uplifting music makes me feel unstoppable. No task is too difficult, just some healthy challenges and stepping stones to reach my bright and bold end goal.

Some days, both ends of this spectrum co-exist. I see the beauty of a rainbow after a thunderstorm. Dealing with a flood of emotions as the aftermath, I learn how to float 🌠

This musing was inspired by Lizzy McAlpine’s song Apple Pie

Capture

Lately I’ve been finding it hard to document all that I feel. I’ve been feeling pages worth of thoughts, but can’t quite transform them into words. For now these moments are best captured in small bites 💭 I’ve been wondering

How the colors of nature contrast with each other perfectly

How art is all around us, whispering to remind us to stop and cherish it

How a scoop of ice cream can make you forget about the worries of the world

How it is possible to find comfort in a constantly changing idea of home

How a new beginning feels a little daunting and pretty wonderful at the same time- just like flying mid air 30,000 feet above the ground

And how the journey ahead will lead to some new and exciting destinations, spawning into new and exciting journeys of their own ✨

Emotional Teamwork

I recently watched Pixar’s Inside Out and feel like the creators emptied the contents of my brain to use as a storyline! The movie paints an accurate picture of the unpredictable reality of our emotions.

More than anything, this movie has helped me be more accepting of my mental health’s highs and lows. Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust are the main characters living inside my head, just like in Riley’s head, the main character of the movie who is a young teen going through a lot of life changes all at once.

In my life’s storyline, every time I encounter a situation where things do not go according to plan, I feel a sense of Fear, Sadness and Anger (even though I try to run away as far as I can from that red hot Anger). These three emotions take control in an uncontrollable way and do not give Joy any room to look at the bright side. Feeling lost and alone casts a shadow in my mind, just like the strong and gloomy glow that Sadness emits. In these times when Sadness takes center stage, talking to a friend and asking for advice feels like Joy has burst into the room, dancing and spreading her sparkle as far as she can. Joy does not just uplift the room but she also creates space for other emotions to express themselves. This is Joy’s most important responsibility. The moment this balance is disturbed and our mind suppresses a certain negative emotion, the difficult situation feels heavier and our mind over-amplifies our emotional response to it. If I suppress Sadness, it turns into Anger of how and why I let this failure happen. If I suppress anger, it turns into Fear of never having it my way. If I suppress Fear, it turns into Disgust of feeling weak and unstable. 

This interesting article by Vox has a great illustration on describing how our emotions overlap to give rise to more complex and nuanced emotions, both good and bad Chart: How Inside Out’s 5 emotions work together to make more feelings. The “bad” emotions are only bad when we let them overtake us. It is in turn their responsibility to share the load with Joy and let each emotion help in their own unique way. It takes emotional teamwork to grow more resilient each day.

I am learning to be okay with the fact that my emotions are like waves, some will rise elegantly, some will crash over the shores, and some will smoothly and surely keep going. Once I accept all these different emotions and the whole spectrum of intermediary emotions- only then will I be steady and in control of how I choose to react to the unpredictable weather of life. I may not be the best yet at having that control, but I am learning.

Human

I’ve realized that the most human thing that humans do is hide how far from perfect we are. I don’t share my blog openly or often because I share a lot about the truly “human” or simply imperfect parts of myself here. Insecurities, doubts, failures, mistakes, hope, resilience, and just doing my best to stand back up are some of my most commonly discussed topics 😀 so if you’re here, even though I don’t share this space a lot, thank you! And as you leave, take away with you the permission.. to be human.

The Light of Connection

It is a really bad time to be an extrovert right now, as it has been for the past two years. I don’t want to belittle the problems that introverts face, but if introverts are maxed out on socializing, they can just go home and recharge in their own company, their happy place. 

When extroverts really want to meet and engage with others when circumstances don’t permit them, they are just being needy!

If it isn’t obvious yet, I am very extroverted. I know that I am not being kind to myself by self-assigning the label of “needy” for wanting more connection. A mixture of growing up, growing apart and the disconnection due to the pandemic has led me to this thought bubble of isolation and loneliness. It’s a thought bubble that comes back to me no matter how much I try to defensively pop or blissfully blow away.

I am someone who thrives on being around others, either in small everyday interactions or in moments of diving deep into emotion. It has been really hard to not have a regular dose of socializing. More importantly, it has been really hard for me to reconnect with who I am at my core. I am usually so caught up in events, experiences and the people in my life, that I haven’t been making time and room to sit still, be kind, and reach out to myself. 

Whenever I try to connect with myself, my discouraging thoughts take over and cast a dull shadow. Suddenly it feels like all the disconnection in my life is because of my actions or my intentions. Maybe I am disconnected with my once-close friends because I said something that was way out of line. Maybe I am not making new meaningful friendships because I am not putting enough effort into it. Maybe my expectations of what I would like from a friendship is too much. Maybe I am romanticizing good friendships and relationships that are too far-fetched to turn into reality.

Maybe these thoughts are just passing clouds. Just like the sun comes up everyday, I know there is a light that I am yet to find. That constant and energizing light might be the connection that I have with myself. Identifying what is important to me, having honest and sometimes difficult conversations might be the key to finding that connection.

Maybe that strong and unwavering light will lead the way to wonderful new friendships and connections! 

I won’t lose hope 🙂

Reset

I like to think of life as an interwoven piece of fabric with many different threads running through it- making it full of color, strength, beauty and harmony. But sometimes I, the weaver of the fabric, make some choices that leave the fabric a tangled and unstable mess. The threads don’t seamlessly interconnect and instead seem to disorient the stability that I had carefully crafted. 

Bad days are the frustrating and accidental pull on one of the loose threads that causes a large tear in the precious fabric we all work so hard to preserve.

Bad days have made me cry, stomp away in anger or silenced me in confusion. They come with no notice and knock me down with no mercy. On those days, when there is no escape, I simply live through the “bad” and slowly make my way to the reset button. The reset does not make things perfect. It does not put the stray threads back into place and certainly does not undo the tear on the beautiful fabric of life.

However when I try a reset through a walk in the park, letting it all out and giving myself some time, I try to mend the fabric. I patch it up with some strength and resilience. Some days, having the power to get back up and hit the reset button is in no means easy- for both you and I, and I am learning to accept it.

Maybe that reset won’t happen immediately or even for a few days.

Maybe bad days just come in waves.

Maybe we’ll learn to ride them.

Maybe we’ll never know what drowned us.

Maybe we’ll just keep swimming ❤

Success

I was scared of everything
That the future may hold
Or may not hold

Failed chances
Broken promises
From the past
Held on to me
As I tried to let them go

But the fear
Of the future
Of not doing enough
And not achieving the heights of my dreams
Crushed me even more
As I tried my best
To do everything in my capacity
To chase excellence

But then I realized
That sometimes
Taking a break
Is excellence
Simply trying
Is excellence
Learning from mistakes
Is excellence
Being kind to myself
Is excellence

Success is relative
Immeasurable
In complex ways

I am happy
When I am me
I am successful
When I am happy

Through transitivity
I learned that being me
Was true success

In that moment I knew I was
A step away from being scared
A step forward toward success

Irreplaceable

The feeling of creativity
Is like friendship ✨

It comes in different forms
And changes through the seasons

A poem, like a childhood friend
Is a calm and comfortable space
To share your most vulnerable thoughts

An empty canvas, like the adventurous friend
Is a chance to explore endless possibilities
To paint some unforgettable memories

A cheerful dance, like a friend who makes your heart happy
Is the reason to celebrate the little moments of joy
To live fully and love truly

A melody on the piano, like an emotional friend
Is to give you permission to feel deeply
To be true to yourself, to be human

A delicious dish of food, like a welcoming friend
Is a place that feels like home
To fill you with a feeling of warmth

An origami, like a friend who challenges you
Is a chance to live with courage
To think in different perspectives

Creativity, like abstract art in a museum
Is a priceless friendship, quite irreplaceable