Stage Your Fears

I’ve written a post about this before, but I feel like talking about this problem of mine will never be enough. The irony here is that I wouldn’t ideally want to talk about it, since talking in itself is what’s putting my mind through a crazy amount of uneasiness.

There, I said it. Talking to people at times, scares me.

*hides behind digital-thought-interpreter*

But hey, social anxiety gets to a lot of people out there doesn’t it?

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It’s just that when in conversation with a lot of people, I don’t open up enough to express all that’s going on in my head. Second guessing becomes my first priority. After everything I say I feel like I want to jump at the words, and take them back in just because of an instinct telling me that I should’ve never gotten into this conversation. Blame me for being anti social, but at times I feel like not talking at all. Being in a bubble where people wouldn’t bother me sounds great. To think to yourself, write, read, skip, dance, or twirl without being questioned- who wouldn’t want that kind of a space for themselves? For a person who’s pretty extroverted and loves to be in the company of people, I think this is more of a phase for me than a series of mood swings.

The rock bottom is when it comes to speaking in public. I could make announcements and informal deliverances without an effort, but when people throw in any of the words like seminar or speech or presentation, my head contacts and tells all the grey cells in my brain to forget everything I’d ever prepared on the topic I was about to speak about. I end up drawing a blank seconds into the speech. My mind starts to wander in all directions and my feet start to tremble a bit because of my inadequacy to get a sensible combination of words to come out of my mouth. The minute I walk on to this raised platform they call a stage, with other human beings even in the slightest looking at me, I lose my cool. Somehow I go from having spoken english my entire life, to messing up a sentence as simple as ‘how are you?’.

Is it just me?

Anywho, there’re no second thoughts that stop me from wordpressing to impress. Haha just kidding. I read this piece about 25 times before posting it. xD

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Trying to post much more frequently. Getting there. Trying, to get there.

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Rising Above

Writing 101- Your Personality on the Page

Waiting in anticipation, with a meagre amount of patience and quite evidently teeming; is the audience. The spectators, just as much human as I, sit facing me. To this day I haven’t been able to figure out if it’s the elevated platform that I’m placed on, contrary to the audience sitting and watching me from down below, or if the masses watching me themselves ignite this anxiety within.

Stage fright is a word, two words to be accurate, that I’m very familiar with. How we came to be acquaintances? I quite frankly don’t know. How it refuses to go away for good? I’m still wondering.

There’s no part in me that wants to be scared of speaking in front of a hundred, or even a thousand people. Yet somehow, even after training my mind to climb a zone wherein I’m not afraid at all to face a crowd, my hands holding the mike fail to cooperate. They shudder, reminding me of the anxiety and my worst fears of messing up or not performing up to the mark.

Admittedly, it took time, but I realised if there was anyone that was making a bid deal out of my insecurities, it was myself. Even the littlest parts of me that wandered to think that I wasn’t good enough or that I would make a horrible mistake was coming from myself.

I had to put up a fight to rise above to the stage, and more importantly to rise above the fear that the stage held personally for me.

I never pass on a chance to speak. I fumble, stutter, but get past it to eventually, elegantly (not always, but I try!) express what I want to.

My heart beats fast before I climb up there, but not fast enough to engulf me in nervousness and muteness. Not any more.

I keep at it.

I learnt from experience that there’s nothing I would gain by turning down even the slightest opportunity to go on stage, more aptly put, to face my fear. I also know for the best that I’ve got nothing to lose to keep doing so.

Enough with the cowering down, because you know what? I can almost see myself having a ‘come at me, bro’ attitude towards this fear that resides in me. And I can see it leaving forever, very soon!