thank u, nexus of all the beautiful things that life is made of

I am grateful
I am grateful for the air
that fills my lungs with life 
I am grateful for the water
that reminds me that you can be whoever you want to be
I am grateful for the beautiful blue skies 
and everything beneath them
I am grateful for everything that has built me up 
and everything that has left me broken
I am grateful for the victories that gave me strength
and the heartbreaks and mistakes that made me stronger
I am grateful for my mom, my dad, my sister 
and everyone else who feels like family
I am grateful for who I am, who I was, and who I will be
I am grateful for everything I have 
and everything that makes me, me
I am grateful for this beautiful world
that is home to the dark clouds of chaos
and yet, leaves room for a sky full of stars

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Pause everything you’re doing and take a moment right now to think of all the things you are grateful for!!! (:

The title of this post was a play on the name of the popular song thank u, next by Ariana Grande. I just wanted to leave this bit of information here to make sure you are not clueless if you are reading this in the future where the song is not relevant anymore. Literally, the only other world that begins with ‘nex’ was ‘nexus’, so I had to make do.
I do not know why I felt the need to do this, but here we are lol.

turbulent

I just found out that one of my personality types is ‘Turbulent’. Turbulent. YOU’RE SAYING I AM TURBULENT??? AAAH.

I think personality test makers get a good laugh out of just seeing ‘Turbulent’ people’s turbulent reaction to when they are told that they are ‘Turbulent’.

Come join the club if you have ever stressed about saying something out loud in the fear of what people might think. This could be pitching an idea in a super important meeting with people whom you really want to make a good impression on, or it could be saying hello like a normal person to your highly inconsequential and unrealistic crush. My heart literally beats faster than how fast I would run (no, sprint) out of the room in these situations.

At times like these, I like to step back. I take a step back and I listen to why my heart is racing and why my brain is thinking all the thoughts that it has ever thought in all of eternity, all at once. I listen carefully to that voice. I sit down next to it on the floor, patiently, understandingly nodding my head at every frantic explanation it tries to give me about why it’s doing what it’s doing. And I smile. I smile the biggest, most encouraging smile and I tell that voice, ‘You care so much!! You care about the impact you make on this big beautiful blue planet even though you are a tiny blob sitting here on the floor! I am proud of the ever-trying always-enthusiastic blob you are. The world loves you for how much effort and thought you put into each word you utter. More importantly, the world loves you for exactly the happy little blob you are, regardless of the constant state of chaos you find yourself in. If panicking a little bit is just the normal chain of things that need to be put into play for you to be satisfied with your efforts, so be it. Just remember that the world cares about you just as much you care about it. The amount of kindness and care that you send out is what should be in your life’s inbox, waiting to love you back for the amazing little blob that you are. If for some reason, your inbox seems to be empty and devoid of the reflection of the love you beam out to the world, consider refocussing that vibrant burst of energy that you possess somewhere else. Direct it towards someone or somewhere more deserving of your sparkling presence”.

“You may be turbulent, but know that you’re a turbulent storm of a beautiful and incredibly positive energy that you strive to gift to the world, just so that you can be the shining star to someone’s dark skies.”

I am an INFJ-T! What about you?

you are a diamond

Hi! Hello! How are you? I hope you are fine. And if you are not, I hope that this time of difficulty is something you will look back at in a few days and thank the world for putting your abilities through an extremely difficult test, for it will truly bring out the absolute best in you. Just keep going. I know you can get through this, and that is not merely a positive affirmation. It is a reality check of how incredible your abilities are because of how far you have come and how strong you have been up until this very moment.

Believe it or not, you are a diamond in the rough, and have always been a diamond in your own utterly unique and fantastic way. You might not have shone as brightly as you’ve wanted to at some points of your life, but that is probably because you were not in the right time and place in your life for that to happen. Scientifically, diamonds need a source of light that they can reflect, illuminating their near vicinity with a radiant light of their best qualities. In the lack of favorable motivation, resources, people, and situations, this light source may disappear, but hey, you don’t ever stop being a diamond! Sure, you might sometimes be a diamond in dormancy and inactivity- but you are constantly active in the process of rejuvenation and self-realization, thinking “Heck! Look at me! I am a diamond, even if the world gives me no credit and disregards me, telling me that I am a dull and lifeless rock.” Do not listen to the naysayers. You are indeed a rock, but you are a rock of shifting capabilities and an unrealized beauty. At the end of the day, it is up to you to interpret what kind of a rock you want to be. You are a diamond if you believe you are a diamond. You can and will shine brightly even when your opportunities look bleak. When you do shine bright, you might be in disbelief of your achievements. You might not be able to see yourself for how wonderful you are, but the world sees you in glory. The people that support you and appreciate you are the light in your life that you need to appreciate. Admittedly, at times, you need to be your own light to illuminate the inner works, the behind-the-scenes of the show that you put on for the world. Believing that you are a diamond is the first step. The rest will follow and fuel you forward with a self-belief that you are capable and will continue to be capable, regardless of what hardships that come your way.

You are a diamond.

unimportant outro: I was originally going to write something that was going to be titled “I was wrong”, A Status Update, explaining how I had so fantastically failed to write something every day on my blog in an attempt to do the Blurt Foundation’s Self Careathon. My sister had told me that this would be too ambitious and I had disagreed. I was wrong! It is exhausting and too ambitious for me to post something every day on here because of the high standards that I set for myself. I guess I have to admit that my idea of self-care right now is not having a routine/deadline and to instead take things as they come. The thought for today is that I am a diamond, you are a diamond, WE ARE ALL DIAMONDS. We are at our show-off type of best when the lights are on and we shine brightly, and we are at our different type of best when they are not. I am at a type of best that doesn’t look like it, but I know is helping me build myself up for the next superstar reveal. This post might not have made a lot of sense, but this is the diamond that I am right now, and that is okay. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The Incredibility of Introspection

I try my best to journal on a regular basis. Whenever I feel like I am going crazy, I write. I have always felt that I express myself so much better when I have a backspace key and some moments to think to myself. Speaking out has always been a struggle, but writing helps me build more courage to taking baby steps towards conquering that challenge. Some of these journal entries, when unedited and unfiltered, are dramatic and extraordinarily self-critical. However much I would like to run and hide behind a tree if people were to read these, I’m putting on the courageousness crown and taking the leap. Because you know what? These journal entries are when I am most vulnerable. I try to surrender to whatever feeling I am being overwhelmed by- pain, grief, sadness, doubt, curiosity, confusion, wonder, glee, happiness. I love and accept myself for everything I feel because being vulnerable is an incredible thing. Almost any state of mind that you achieve by overcoming fear is an incredible thing. Processing and trying to embrace fear instead of finding ways to avoid it is I N C R E D I B LE!! I write these little packages of text as a means of escape from the evil claws of bad mental health. Some of these journal entries are absolutely hilarious to read back. And I would recommend it to anyone with all my heart. If that’s not your thing, be vulnerable in ways that don’t involve pouring your heart out in a scrappy little notebook. Sing to yourself, dance off your worries, do the things you are afraid of doing, talk to your loved ones about your struggles. In whatever ways you can: introspect! Introspection has always helped me make sense out of the million things that go on in my brain at once. Finding method in madness is calming to an overthinking mind and overambitious heart like mine. For now, these entries are my way of being me. Go find yours ^.^
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may 8
please please please never speak mean things behind people’s back just to add to a conversation where someone else is doing it
may 9
i am such an inconvenience to myself
i feel like i am always in pain
may 10
so WHAT if i don’t get an A in calculus 2?
WhO gives a HOOT
may 13
i’m home! not technically home, but with mom and dad! who are pretty much home to me!
may 14
i am such a dramatic person
june 4
i need to work so so so hard on vocalizing what i feel
i think the major symptom of me dealing with low self-esteem is that even if i achieve certain xyz things i set my mind to, i still think i am going to be inadequate for the next big thing that my life will challenge me with
i feel like if so many good things are happening to me, a bad thing is bound to happen very soon
and it might happen any time
and i don’t know if i will be capable of dealing with it.
which is sad because i think that i am entitled to sadness and hardships and pain

i am always looking for advice!

it’s safe to declare to the world that i have a constantly buzzing mind. it is never static. even when I am thinking of nothing, i am thinking of all the things i could be thinking of. this leads me to start worrying about why i am not doing all the things i could be doing and i want to do. feelings of incompetence creep in right after (OF COURSE, nobody is surprised). in this constant and chaotic storm of my thoughts, i am always looking for advice. i search under rocks, between the bushes, at the ends of rainbows chasing even the littlest hope of receiving advice. i search between blue hyperlinks on google for therapeutic advice when i’m feeling blue. i search for tutorials on how-to everything because of being clueless most of the time. sometimes, i very bravely gather the courage to ask for advice from my peers, mentors and family. but because of the inexhaustible list of the things i need reassurance about, i find it difficult to always turn to people for advice. this fear of approaching the amazing human beings that i am surrounded by leads me to turn to youtubers, blogs, and books that could possibly answer my questions. if the credits rolled for the incredible virtual support system that i am blessed with, it would go like this: tessa violet, anna akana, carrie hope fletcher, will darbyshire, dodie clark, zannah, rupi kaur, john & hank green, kati morton and daniel j layton.

essentially: i like getting advice. i am always seeking for it. i just had to vocalize that (: pleasegivemeadvice!

also check out the really cool people from above! i hold them very important to the strangely beautiful process of growing up that i am going through.

Oddly-Unhappy

 

I have an unusual response to happiness. Unlike people who are sad, and a disoriented mess. They are allowed to have an upside down smile. While I, have been breaking the rules for a while. Do you see fireworks in the sky, in colours of success and glee? Look around carefully, and you’ll see me. Visibly happy. Yet oddly-unhappy. It’s the strangest thing, I know. I don’t know what happens to my brain’s processing flow. The happy thing goes straight from ‘incoming’ to the department of ‘overwhelming’. Which soon advances to ‘disbelief’ and ‘infinite self-doubting’. Now, I do my best to not sound ungrateful. Because that’s the last emotional stunt I’d like my head to pull. If I could, I would delve into the workings of my brain. To find out why I feel content in the grey, pouring rain. While I only house a limited supply of happiness when I’ve finally bid goodbye to the treacherous pain. 
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Let me explain before your head goes like “whaaaaat did I just read?” “what is wrong?” “you alright?”. I am pretty much just as confused of these words that came out of my head but I think I know what’s going on.
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Every time that something extravagantly incredible or unbelievable happens, anything of the ‘happy’ kind, I have no clue how to deal with it and express my happy thoughts. You will seriously find me absolutely silent, or sitting quietly in a corner, or busying myself in something else after the socially-required few minutes of sharing the happiness with close ones. This usually looks like I’m ‘unhappy’ to other human beings who look at my face and actions. I know this for sure because sometimes, I see it too in that darned magic device of self reflection (a mirror, I meant a mirror). I’m currently transitioning into a new phase of my life that has an infinite scope for learning new things and being curious and exploring all the tangible feelings that this world holds. But this transition isn’t the world of sunshines and blue skies that I thought it would be.
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It’s so weird that whenever something huge happens, I would rather sit in peace and be wonderstruck than go party and express my happiness eloquently without stuttering. Hmm. How did I get here? *hopeless chuckle* I guess I’m just internally savouring the happy turn that my life has taken. I guess.. it could be something entirely different, I don’t know.
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I kind of think that this also happened with me starting WEDIM? I was so excited about it. And proud that I did it for three days straight. But then, TOTAL DISORIENTATION TIME woohoo! I am going to try my best to do the rest of the days. Again, it’s my key to staying sane. Also, I’ve noticed I say the words ‘brain’ and ‘head’ a lot on here. But aren’t you curious as heck about these too? They’re so fascinating but also drive you crazy. Okay. That’s it for now. Hope you’re visibly happy and oddly still crazy happy.
WEDIM, Day 4

night-time routine, by a team of brain cells

Busy thoughts and tired eyes
“Just get some rest!”, my brain sighs
“Too many things on the To-Do”
“Doubts and fears as deep as the ocean blue”
“Your keeping calm abilities are clearly in jeopardy”
“Things are confusing now, but just let them be!”
“Undress your thoughts”
“Out of the insecurities of all sorts”
“Put on your favourite pyjamas”
“And dream, of the moon and stars”
“Wrap the panic-stricken panic in a warm blanket”
“With an alarm at opportunity o’ clock, all set”

“Tomorrow’s another day”
“And funnily enough, this crazy internal monologue.. shall replay”

WEDIM, Day 2

Confetti of Gratefulness

In my online-avatar-ish personality, I might sometimes come off as a soul-searching, monocle wearing, contemplative young woman, sitting in the shadow of a flickering light mid way through an attempt to understand the world in all its entirety at once. But in reality, I laugh very frequently (mostly at my jokes), make jokes out of my problems, write a lot, read a lot or internet a lot when I’m not doing either of the rest. I am also that person who actively uses internet as a verb, and who knows as a strict grammar nazi that it no way qualifies as an action word, which accompanies the conveyance of the tense of the task being done, but that’s just what I’ve become. An internetting, super dramatic, mostly introverted, but occasionally and obsessively talkative person.

I might seem way more serious about things than I actually am. I guess that’s mostly because I tend to over think like crazy, and disregard stuff that’s actually important and on the verge of falling apart with an internal hysterical laugh of the ‘I’m doomed’ kind. Although, in the past one year, I’ve grown a lot as a person and learnt a lot of things that I hold as vital as not forgetting to breathe. Why am I getting all mushy and rambling on about myself you ask? I just turned 17 today! And getting here has been quite the climb since being sixteen wasn’t so sweet after all. However, at the end of these 365 days of a relatively not-so-good-year, I need to tell you, yeah you, some things that you helped me learn even though it might be super unintentional and indirect. Look at you, helping a helpless human being trot her way through life, like a tiny penguin!

1. Things will get hard to deal with inevitably. All you’ve got to do is stay strong and take it on with zero denial. Denial is never the way to go, fighting for your mental standing ovation by the forces of the world is.

2. Being sad is okay if it’s helping you vent out feelings that are doing no good to your insanely awesome mind.

3. Trust your instincts. It’ll always minimise the scope to feel any kind of regret. After all, don’t we all want to live with no regrets?

4. Hang on to the people who matter the most, however busy or distant or only virtually present they may be. Because they might not be around always, but if you’ve got yourself in a tangled mess and call out to them, they’ll have you know, in tears, and singing, “You’ve got a friend in me”.

5. Let this be your motto, along with all other driving forces you’ve got to live to your fullest in this planet of love, hope and some necessary badassity:

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Excuse the poorly-done nails and squiggly lines of excitement.

Thanks for reading and always being just around the corner for me. The little tinge of the shade of happiness that’s gone on to the canvas of the sixteenth year of my existense has mostly come from right here. I’ve always tried by best to be fully grateful for the things I have like I did in a post long ago, but you guys definitely, hands-down, top the list. Just my token of celebration with some confetti of gratefulness. And some (or lots) of cake later. Treat yourself with some cake or a healthier alternative if you’re cool like that, because you are pretty awesome.

Dear Muse

Dear Muse,
You know I’m a dreamer. All I ever think if about is of how I could possibly reach the heights that I presently think  to be unreal, hypothetical, fictional even. Yes, I wish to live in a fictional world. And by saying that I hope you overlook look the slight absurdity of it and actually visualise exactly what I do. A fictional world to me, means achieving the impossible. To become known for the words that you press on to me, and I in  turn press on to paper for the world to see, is my ultimate dream. I receive boundless satisfaction in creating things that my mind comes up with very wondrously. So, all I ask for is for you to give me the persistence, courage, confidence, and above all, the ability to conjure mightier dreams. Keep me equipped with the will power to reach my dreams and go beyond what’s thought to be possible by my mind, hands and words. And I tell you, we’ll be good to go.
Off to the land of dream-come-trues! =D

Yours Truly,
Archana

….

Dear Archana,
It’s your muse here. I know that you know exactly who I am, but I felt the need to introduce myself  just so that I could remind you that I’m yourrr muse and yours alone. I’m not going anywhere and nor will you be able to shove me out of your way, because I’m going to give you the greatest of inspirations perpetually, and be super busy thinking of the greatest of inspirations when you press charges on me for abandonment. Because hello? It’s my job to keep you creative, inspired and up to tackle any mountain that lies between you and our might and noble dreams! All I ask, is for you to take some belief in your pockets and run towards your goal, and on your way, learn to jump over all hurdles, every fit of writer’s block and being devoid of ideas. If you look closer, you’ll see for yourself that there is absolutely nothing to stop you if you’re alive and knowing enough to build yourself a bridge to cross over whatever may come. Do you really (with too-many-and-a-half-e’s) want to find your way to your idealistic, far from reach, fictional, what-you-think-to-be-fantastic world? Then, build yourself a bridge that connects you from where you are to right where you want to be. And I assure you that you’ll get there safe and sound, with a fulfilled heart.

Yours supportingly,
Your Muse

Edit (because I’m a wee bit too clumsy and impatient that I clicked post before I could remember that I had to add this bit)This little activity of writing a letter to your muse and writing a letter to yourself as your muse in response was a part of a recent writer’s workshop I attended. I’d really urge every one of you here to do this too and write about whatever inspires you and pushes you to do any little thing you do =) It feels truly amazing and makes your blocks (whatever kind) look like teeny microscopic troubles in front of the mountain of inspiration you will gather. Let’s maybe start this super healthy-to-the-mind trend?

Hapiness is Always in Vogue

THIS IS AN UPDATE.
*puts microphone down*
*beams at people who turned their heads/scrolled to see what the heck is going on* haha (need to stop laughing at stuff I say to myself gosh, Archana)

Hello everyone =)
Hi. I needed to do this because I’ve really lost myself in a lot of things lately. Don’t worry, this isn’t a sentimental rant like something out of Keeping With the Kardashians. This is just to put things in order once again. A chaotic, awkward, standing-on-tip-toes-trying-to-balance-a-bajillion-things-at-once kind of order, but in order either way.

For starters, my final exams went pretty well, if you were wondering. I feel like I did my best and that makes me do a happy dance. *returns to keyboard after performing elaborate ritualistic happy dance*

Apart from that, I’ve been getting my mind to recover from plunging into a lot of emotional pitfalls. However legitimate the reasons may be, I’ve learned that happiness is a choice and is truly, always in vogue.

I have been reading quite a lot, which always manages to bring me solace. Talking to people whom I feel would help me make sense out of the things that hold me perplexed is also doing wonders to beautifying the interior walls of my (sometimes) wacko mind. Overall, I want to be back here writing as often as I dream wild and friendly-aliens-coming-over kind of things, which is all the time. My plan is to challenge my writer’s block to a fancy  duel and win without a scratch (hopefully). For those of you who are new here, don’t worry about things being deadbeat around this digital locality. I’m going to be back with a bucket of paint of the speaking my mind and trying to put poetry together kind very, very soon. And we’re going to splatter that paint of awesomeness (patent pending) all over the walls. If that makes sense to you. I will simultaneously be giving it all I’ve got to excel at my last year of schooling (12th GRADE GAHH) and show every test that comes with a menacing grin to the wrestling ring of life who is boss.