thank u, nexus of all the beautiful things that life is made of

I am grateful
I am grateful for the air
that fills my lungs with life 
I am grateful for the water
that reminds me that you can be whoever you want to be
I am grateful for the beautiful blue skies 
and everything beneath them
I am grateful for everything that has built me up 
and everything that has left me broken
I am grateful for the victories that gave me strength
and the heartbreaks and mistakes that made me stronger
I am grateful for my mom, my dad, my sister 
and everyone else who feels like family
I am grateful for who I am, who I was, and who I will be
I am grateful for everything I have 
and everything that makes me, me
I am grateful for this beautiful world
that is home to the dark clouds of chaos
and yet, leaves room for a sky full of stars

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Pause everything you’re doing and take a moment right now to think of all the things you are grateful for!!! (:

The title of this post was a play on the name of the popular song thank u, next by Ariana Grande. I just wanted to leave this bit of information here to make sure you are not clueless if you are reading this in the future where the song is not relevant anymore. Literally, the only other world that begins with ‘nex’ was ‘nexus’, so I had to make do.
I do not know why I felt the need to do this, but here we are lol.

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turbulent

I just found out that one of my personality types is ‘Turbulent’. Turbulent. YOU’RE SAYING I AM TURBULENT??? AAAH.

I think personality test makers get a good laugh out of just seeing ‘Turbulent’ people’s turbulent reaction to when they are told that they are ‘Turbulent’.

Come join the club if you have ever stressed about saying something out loud in the fear of what people might think. This could be pitching an idea in a super important meeting with people whom you really want to make a good impression on, or it could be saying hello like a normal person to your highly inconsequential and unrealistic crush. My heart literally beats faster than how fast I would run (no, sprint) out of the room in these situations.

At times like these, I like to step back. I take a step back and I listen to why my heart is racing and why my brain is thinking all the thoughts that it has ever thought in all of eternity, all at once. I listen carefully to that voice. I sit down next to it on the floor, patiently, understandingly nodding my head at every frantic explanation it tries to give me about why it’s doing what it’s doing. And I smile. I smile the biggest, most encouraging smile and I tell that voice, ‘You care so much!! You care about the impact you make on this big beautiful blue planet even though you are a tiny blob sitting here on the floor! I am proud of the ever-trying always-enthusiastic blob you are. The world loves you for how much effort and thought you put into each word you utter. More importantly, the world loves you for exactly the happy little blob you are, regardless of the constant state of chaos you find yourself in. If panicking a little bit is just the normal chain of things that need to be put into play for you to be satisfied with your efforts, so be it. Just remember that the world cares about you just as much you care about it. The amount of kindness and care that you send out is what should be in your life’s inbox, waiting to love you back for the amazing little blob that you are. If for some reason, your inbox seems to be empty and devoid of the reflection of the love you beam out to the world, consider refocussing that vibrant burst of energy that you possess somewhere else. Direct it towards someone or somewhere more deserving of your sparkling presence”.

“You may be turbulent, but know that you’re a turbulent storm of a beautiful and incredibly positive energy that you strive to gift to the world, just so that you can be the shining star to someone’s dark skies.”

I am an INFJ-T! What about you?

you are a diamond

Hi! Hello! How are you? I hope you are fine. And if you are not, I hope that this time of difficulty is something you will look back at in a few days and thank the world for putting your abilities through an extremely difficult test, for it will truly bring out the absolute best in you. Just keep going. I know you can get through this, and that is not merely a positive affirmation. It is a reality check of how incredible your abilities are because of how far you have come and how strong you have been up until this very moment.

Believe it or not, you are a diamond in the rough, and have always been a diamond in your own utterly unique and fantastic way. You might not have shone as brightly as you’ve wanted to at some points of your life, but that is probably because you were not in the right time and place in your life for that to happen. Scientifically, diamonds need a source of light that they can reflect, illuminating their near vicinity with a radiant light of their best qualities. In the lack of favorable motivation, resources, people, and situations, this light source may disappear, but hey, you don’t ever stop being a diamond! Sure, you might sometimes be a diamond in dormancy and inactivity- but you are constantly active in the process of rejuvenation and self-realization, thinking “Heck! Look at me! I am a diamond, even if the world gives me no credit and disregards me, telling me that I am a dull and lifeless rock.” Do not listen to the naysayers. You are indeed a rock, but you are a rock of shifting capabilities and an unrealized beauty. At the end of the day, it is up to you to interpret what kind of a rock you want to be. You are a diamond if you believe you are a diamond. You can and will shine brightly even when your opportunities look bleak. When you do shine bright, you might be in disbelief of your achievements. You might not be able to see yourself for how wonderful you are, but the world sees you in glory. The people that support you and appreciate you are the light in your life that you need to appreciate. Admittedly, at times, you need to be your own light to illuminate the inner works, the behind-the-scenes of the show that you put on for the world. Believing that you are a diamond is the first step. The rest will follow and fuel you forward with a self-belief that you are capable and will continue to be capable, regardless of what hardships that come your way.

You are a diamond.

unimportant outro: I was originally going to write something that was going to be titled “I was wrong”, A Status Update, explaining how I had so fantastically failed to write something every day on my blog in an attempt to do the Blurt Foundation’s Self Careathon. My sister had told me that this would be too ambitious and I had disagreed. I was wrong! It is exhausting and too ambitious for me to post something every day on here because of the high standards that I set for myself. I guess I have to admit that my idea of self-care right now is not having a routine/deadline and to instead take things as they come. The thought for today is that I am a diamond, you are a diamond, WE ARE ALL DIAMONDS. We are at our show-off type of best when the lights are on and we shine brightly, and we are at our different type of best when they are not. I am at a type of best that doesn’t look like it, but I know is helping me build myself up for the next superstar reveal. This post might not have made a lot of sense, but this is the diamond that I am right now, and that is okay. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The Incredibility of Introspection

I try my best to journal on a regular basis. Whenever I feel like I am going crazy, I write. I have always felt that I express myself so much better when I have a backspace key and some moments to think to myself. Speaking out has always been a struggle, but writing helps me build more courage to taking baby steps towards conquering that challenge. Some of these journal entries, when unedited and unfiltered, are dramatic and extraordinarily self-critical. However much I would like to run and hide behind a tree if people were to read these, I’m putting on the courageousness crown and taking the leap. Because you know what? These journal entries are when I am most vulnerable. I try to surrender to whatever feeling I am being overwhelmed by- pain, grief, sadness, doubt, curiosity, confusion, wonder, glee, happiness. I love and accept myself for everything I feel because being vulnerable is an incredible thing. Almost any state of mind that you achieve by overcoming fear is an incredible thing. Processing and trying to embrace fear instead of finding ways to avoid it is I N C R E D I B LE!! I write these little packages of text as a means of escape from the evil claws of bad mental health. Some of these journal entries are absolutely hilarious to read back. And I would recommend it to anyone with all my heart. If that’s not your thing, be vulnerable in ways that don’t involve pouring your heart out in a scrappy little notebook. Sing to yourself, dance off your worries, do the things you are afraid of doing, talk to your loved ones about your struggles. In whatever ways you can: introspect! Introspection has always helped me make sense out of the million things that go on in my brain at once. Finding method in madness is calming to an overthinking mind and overambitious heart like mine. For now, these entries are my way of being me. Go find yours ^.^
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may 8
please please please never speak mean things behind people’s back just to add to a conversation where someone else is doing it
may 9
i am such an inconvenience to myself
i feel like i am always in pain
may 10
so WHAT if i don’t get an A in calculus 2?
WhO gives a HOOT
may 13
i’m home! not technically home, but with mom and dad! who are pretty much home to me!
may 14
i am such a dramatic person
june 4
i need to work so so so hard on vocalizing what i feel
i think the major symptom of me dealing with low self-esteem is that even if i achieve certain xyz things i set my mind to, i still think i am going to be inadequate for the next big thing that my life will challenge me with
i feel like if so many good things are happening to me, a bad thing is bound to happen very soon
and it might happen any time
and i don’t know if i will be capable of dealing with it.
which is sad because i think that i am entitled to sadness and hardships and pain

i am always looking for advice!

it’s safe to declare to the world that i have a constantly buzzing mind. it is never static. even when I am thinking of nothing, i am thinking of all the things i could be thinking of. this leads me to start worrying about why i am not doing all the things i could be doing and i want to do. feelings of incompetence creep in right after (OF COURSE, nobody is surprised). in this constant and chaotic storm of my thoughts, i am always looking for advice. i search under rocks, between the bushes, at the ends of rainbows chasing even the littlest hope of receiving advice. i search between blue hyperlinks on google for therapeutic advice when i’m feeling blue. i search for tutorials on how-to everything because of being clueless most of the time. sometimes, i very bravely gather the courage to ask for advice from my peers, mentors and family. but because of the inexhaustible list of the things i need reassurance about, i find it difficult to always turn to people for advice. this fear of approaching the amazing human beings that i am surrounded by leads me to turn to youtubers, blogs, and books that could possibly answer my questions. if the credits rolled for the incredible virtual support system that i am blessed with, it would go like this: tessa violet, anna akana, carrie hope fletcher, will darbyshire, dodie clark, zannah, rupi kaur, john & hank green, kati morton and daniel j layton.

essentially: i like getting advice. i am always seeking for it. i just had to vocalize that (: pleasegivemeadvice!

also check out the really cool people from above! i hold them very important to the strangely beautiful process of growing up that i am going through.

Oddly-Unhappy

 

I have an unusual response to happiness. Unlike people who are sad, and a disoriented mess. They are allowed to have an upside down smile. While I, have been breaking the rules for a while. Do you see fireworks in the sky, in colours of success and glee? Look around carefully, and you’ll see me. Visibly happy. Yet oddly-unhappy. It’s the strangest thing, I know. I don’t know what happens to my brain’s processing flow. The happy thing goes straight from ‘incoming’ to the department of ‘overwhelming’. Which soon advances to ‘disbelief’ and ‘infinite self-doubting’. Now, I do my best to not sound ungrateful. Because that’s the last emotional stunt I’d like my head to pull. If I could, I would delve into the workings of my brain. To find out why I feel content in the grey, pouring rain. While I only house a limited supply of happiness when I’ve finally bid goodbye to the treacherous pain. 
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Let me explain before your head goes like “whaaaaat did I just read?” “what is wrong?” “you alright?”. I am pretty much just as confused of these words that came out of my head but I think I know what’s going on.
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Every time that something extravagantly incredible or unbelievable happens, anything of the ‘happy’ kind, I have no clue how to deal with it and express my happy thoughts. You will seriously find me absolutely silent, or sitting quietly in a corner, or busying myself in something else after the socially-required few minutes of sharing the happiness with close ones. This usually looks like I’m ‘unhappy’ to other human beings who look at my face and actions. I know this for sure because sometimes, I see it too in that darned magic device of self reflection (a mirror, I meant a mirror). I’m currently transitioning into a new phase of my life that has an infinite scope for learning new things and being curious and exploring all the tangible feelings that this world holds. But this transition isn’t the world of sunshines and blue skies that I thought it would be.
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It’s so weird that whenever something huge happens, I would rather sit in peace and be wonderstruck than go party and express my happiness eloquently without stuttering. Hmm. How did I get here? *hopeless chuckle* I guess I’m just internally savouring the happy turn that my life has taken. I guess.. it could be something entirely different, I don’t know.
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I kind of think that this also happened with me starting WEDIM? I was so excited about it. And proud that I did it for three days straight. But then, TOTAL DISORIENTATION TIME woohoo! I am going to try my best to do the rest of the days. Again, it’s my key to staying sane. Also, I’ve noticed I say the words ‘brain’ and ‘head’ a lot on here. But aren’t you curious as heck about these too? They’re so fascinating but also drive you crazy. Okay. That’s it for now. Hope you’re visibly happy and oddly still crazy happy.
WEDIM, Day 4

night-time routine, by a team of brain cells

Busy thoughts and tired eyes
“Just get some rest!”, my brain sighs
“Too many things on the To-Do”
“Doubts and fears as deep as the ocean blue”
“Your keeping calm abilities are clearly in jeopardy”
“Things are confusing now, but just let them be!”
“Undress your thoughts”
“Out of the insecurities of all sorts”
“Put on your favourite pyjamas”
“And dream, of the moon and stars”
“Wrap the panic-stricken panic in a warm blanket”
“With an alarm at opportunity o’ clock, all set”

“Tomorrow’s another day”
“And funnily enough, this crazy internal monologue.. shall replay”

WEDIM, Day 2