Confetti of Gratefulness

In my online-avatar-ish personality, I might sometimes come off as a soul-searching, monocle wearing, contemplative young woman, sitting in the shadow of a flickering light mid way through an attempt to understand the world in all its entirety at once. But in reality, I laugh very frequently (mostly at my jokes), make jokes out of my problems, write a lot, read a lot or internet a lot when I’m not doing either of the rest. I am also that person who actively uses internet as a verb, and who knows as a strict grammar nazi that it no way qualifies as an action word, which accompanies the conveyance of the tense of the task being done, but that’s just what I’ve become. An internetting, super dramatic, mostly introverted, but occasionally and obsessively talkative person.

I might seem way more serious about things than I actually am. I guess that’s mostly because I tend to over think like crazy, and disregard stuff that’s actually important and on the verge of falling apart with an internal hysterical laugh of the ‘I’m doomed’ kind. Although, in the past one year, I’ve grown a lot as a person and learnt a lot of things that I hold as vital as not forgetting to breathe. Why am I getting all mushy and rambling on about myself you ask? I just turned 17 today! And getting here has been quite the climb since being sixteen wasn’t so sweet after all. However, at the end of these 365 days of a relatively not-so-good-year, I need to tell you, yeah you, some things that you helped me learn even though it might be super unintentional and indirect. Look at you, helping a helpless human being trot her way through life, like a tiny penguin!

1. Things will get hard to deal with inevitably. All you’ve got to do is stay strong and take it on with zero denial. Denial is never the way to go, fighting for your mental standing ovation by the forces of the world is.

2. Being sad is okay if it’s helping you vent out feelings that are doing no good to your insanely awesome mind.

3. Trust your instincts. It’ll always minimise the scope to feel any kind of regret. After all, don’t we all want to live with no regrets?

4. Hang on to the people who matter the most, however busy or distant or only virtually present they may be. Because they might not be around always, but if you’ve got yourself in a tangled mess and call out to them, they’ll have you know, in tears, and singing, “You’ve got a friend in me”.

5. Let this be your motto, along with all other driving forces you’ve got to live to your fullest in this planet of love, hope and some necessary badassity:

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Excuse the poorly-done nails and squiggly lines of excitement.

Thanks for reading and always being just around the corner for me. The little tinge of the shade of happiness that’s gone on to the canvas of the sixteenth year of my existense has mostly come from right here. I’ve always tried by best to be fully grateful for the things I have like I did in a post long ago, but you guys definitely, hands-down, top the list. Just my token of celebration with some confetti of gratefulness. And some (or lots) of cake later. Treat yourself with some cake or a healthier alternative if you’re cool like that, because you are pretty awesome.

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I’m Scared? #Theory 006

Let me admit it, I’m scared of a lot of things.

I’m scared about my life. I’m scared about how it’s going to turn out to be, if it’s going to turn out the way I expect it to, and where I’ll be in a matter of, say, five years.

I’m scared about happiness. I’m scared that I will never truly find it, and that I’ll constantly keep worrying about finding that happiness and that I’ll lose it the minute I find it.

I’m scared of the darkness. I’m scared that I might stumble and fall and be totally oblivious to any response to my cry-for-helps until someone pulls me back on my feet again.

I’m scared about expression. I’m scared that I might never be able to say what I feel, and talk about the dreams I want to pursue and that I might never be truly be able to open up to the people who matter to me the most.

I’m scared about my writing. I’m scared that I might one day wake up, and that I will lose the explosion of inspiration that I once used to have, and that I will not be able to write nearly as incredibly as I’ve always wanted to and that I might probably not write another word, that would eventually leave me empty, inside out.

I guess that should be it, apart from my soul wrenching fears of aeroplanes, crowds, stages, public speaking, popular attention, my mind voices being heard, my mind voices not being heard, taking the leap, overly risky plans, losing things, losing people, failure, disappointment and the fact that this list still goes on.

Alright, now that you’ve read about what’s just a tiny portion of the endless list of my insecurities, fears and a little bit of my pride being cast away, very safe and soundly, come to terms with the fact that it’s not just you. Everyone’s got these fears that do nothing but weigh them down. These fears, that give you all the doubts and nervous breakdowns. They’re there in every one of us. It’s totally fine to be overcome by them. It’s perfectly acceptable to be skeptical about your abilities because some voiceless fear told you that you can’t do it.

The only thing, and believe me when I say this, the only thing I ask from you, is to never, ever be scared of trying. Do you know why? Not being scared of trying is like wearing the crown of courage.

Because, suddenly, you aren’t scared of trying to live. You aren’t scared of trying to be happy. You aren’t scared of trying to walk through darkness with the elegant aura of confidence lighting up the path. You aren’t scared of trying to express yourself boldly and wholly.

I am not scared of trying my best to write this very word. I fearlessly hover my fingers over each key on this keyboard as I pounce back on all my fears. I fearlessly hope that every word, comma and thought behind this makes a little sense to you. And literally, all I needed and what I realise we’re all fortunately and naturally equipped with is not being scared of trying,  the courage to try. And sometimes, it’s all you need, really. =)

Head this way for a ‘try’ at a series of hope-reinstating (fingers crossed) little teams of words.

Hang On In There

Hang on in there, little restless soul
It’s all going to be alright soon
Take a deep breath
And tune your heartbeat
To match the steady rhythm
Of the familiar pounding of your fears

For if you’re heart’s still racing
Due to something you didn’t get
Or someone you lost
Or some way your spirits dropped
Just slow down a bit
To free your troubled self
From the whirlwind of worries
That’s managed to engulf
Your motives, your goals
Your aspiration, so bold
Your true self along with
The motivation, truly gold
That pushed you farther
Farther than anyone else
Farther than the skies they could reach
Farther than they dared to valiantly dream

Do remember that by true heart
You’re the tree that no tempest
Or no whirlwind could blow off
Standing strong and resolved
The blizzard’s just caught you
In a cloud of uncertainty
Hold on a little while, because
It’s going to rain down soon
And your soul will be dancing
Drenching itself in the downpour of revival
The hope that will now run through every alley
Of your downtrodden strengths
On to flow and fill life into the veins
Of some bravery, tonight

Hang on in there, little restless soul
It’s all going to be alright soon
Take a deep breath
And tune your heartbeat
To match the steady rhythm
Of your happily pirouetting spirit

For if your heart’s still racing
It’ll hopefully soon realise
That fear, merely is a thing
That eventually fights
A losing battle
Against
The valour
That forever rises like a powerful knight

Edited in Lumia Selfie

A totally impromptu/non rhyming poem that was on the top of my mind, plus a totally amateur illustration. Meow. 

Let’s just pretend that I didn’t go AWOL from WordPress because I accidentally happened to go to Neverland and kind of forget to come back. Let’s also pretend that what I just said made sense. Hope you have an awesome day/night/life.