My Support System

I have a very strange relationship with the outside world.
As I grow up, I have learned to recognize who I am as a person, what values I will fight for the justice of and what opinions I could never side with because of how hurtful they are. I have discovered that I am good at listening, and can offer some good words to a conversation if I’m given some time to think to myself. Though I internally know how I should act and talk and carry myself when in interaction with the outside world, it never pans out like I would imagine it in my head. I panic because of the unexpected turns and surprises that the outside world has in store for me. The thoughts that turn into speech bubbles are so different from what I have in my mind. Because of this discrepancy that I cannot look past, I keep things to myself. I feel defeated at times, thinking that if I always struggle with expressing myself, the world will never see me for who I really am. The reason why I call this a ‘struggle’ is that as I talk about this, I feel like an anomaly. Even though a majority of my brain is always a little anxious about the outside world, it also gets a lot of happiness from it. The people I meet, the experiences I have and just marveling at the outside world for all the amazing things it consists of like poetry, photosynthesis, planes, skyscrapers, how the sun rises every morning, how humans build bridges to travel over oceans‐all make me so happy! These things inspire me and instill a fire burning in me to do something positively impactful for the world even if it’s in the tiniest of ways. The outside world is my support system, while the inner mechanics of my brain work on building creativity, courage, and willpower.
Prompt: Outside+Support
Self Careathon, Day 5 & 6
#BlurtSelfCareathon
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starry eyes and snuggles

!!! IT’S BEEN A LONG AND TIRING DAY, but in all the good ways.
 .
I sigh and smile and sleepily snuggle with my blanket, ready for a good night’s sleep and I recieve a hug. And then another one, and another! A warm hug from the feeling of feeling at home when I’m with myself. A happy hug from remembering all the people I love. A wonder struck hug from the inspiring stories I’ve read and the wonderful power of imagination. A hug with a little laughter and happy tears of good times, old friendships, and memories. A victorious hug from everything that has gone right- it gives me love. An understanding hug from everything that has gone wrong- it gives me strength.
 .
Snuggled up in my blanket of gratefulness, I’ve got stars in my eyes and dreams on my mind.
 .
It’s time to sleep now, to recharge for another day that’s one of a kind.
 . 
.
 
Prompt: Snuggle!
#BlurtSelfCareathon

ʙoᴏST!

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Do you know that one Tumblr post that says ‘if you ever feel bad about yourself just remember that if you were a fictional character people would probably love you for all your flaws and quirks and mannerisms that you probably hate so just remember that okay? I love you’? That is what I call a boost, haha.

#BlurtSelfCareathon

you are the sky

Day two’s prompt in The Blurt Foundation’s Self Careathon is Obstacles. I wrote this poem on a night when I was ambushed by obstacles of social anxiety and self-doubt. Writing it helped me a lot. I hope reading it helps you too!
 .
an open field. beautiful. endless.
eyes closed, you lie down on the soft grass, letting your mind soar.
you allow your brain to feel every feeling it can, unapologetically.
fear
self-critique
shame
inadequacy
fear once again
a constant, daunting f e a r
thinking
overthinking
silence
a confusing silence
a calm, yet utterly chaotic silence
and suddenly, the world stops. just for that moment.
just for you. to let you breathe in. to let you breathe in
love
compassion
kindness
acceptance
courage
a passion for bravely standing, existing,
and embracing every one of your flaws
and having the revolutionizing strength to
grow
heal
and love thyself
despite the obstacles that you see, that blur your visions
of dreaming big and chasing the sky
the sky, that is
beautiful. endless. ‎
as you open your eyes up to the expanse
of blue
you see the truest of you
the ability to endure unpredicted thunderstorms
and still bring a hopeful light to your little world
breathe out the flaws you define yourself by
because don’t you see?
you are the sky
.
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Self Careathon, Day 2
#BlurtSelfCareathon
Artwork: Museum of Contemporary Art, Chicago

10 Things About Me & a self careathon

My wise and beautiful mum told me that the life we live is very short and very precious. Life is truly a blessing and we simply must not let it slip away. My mother was essentially just telling me that you only live once, and you have got to make it count. Which is why self-care is so important!

A method of self-care that I tend to be a little scared of is externalizing my problems. The funny thing is, that I realized that these problems were problems only because I was not externalizing them! I have recently vowed to try and link the things that I worry about to real life facts, relationships, and situations. I started focussing on getting my anxieties out of my head and into the real world, either by talking to someone about them or writing them down. And the whirlpool of the overwhelming and overbearing confusion started to die down almost immediately. Once they were out in the real world, I found it much easier to reason them out— ‘why did these things make me anxious?’, ‘how could I work on those anxieties?’, and ‘how could I positively approach the things that gave me this anxiety?’. This was my new magical formula for therapeutic self-care. Sitting down to process my feelings and self-destructive thought patterns helped a lot. Though the sound of it sounds a little uncool and boring, externalizing your problems and having a good understanding of your emotional well-being is just as cool as sipping on margaritas and partying! That is certified information that I am sincerely conveying to you from the terms and conditions of the treat-yo-self department.

*sigh*

Does that make sense? I guess, I just want to say that I am trying to live a little less in my head, and a little more in this crazy beautiful world around me. And I am doing that through The Blurt Foundation’s SELF CAREATHON! I was inspired by the amazing Carrie Hope Fletcher to do this! Click here to find the prompts. Use the hashtag #BlurtSelfCareathon if you would like to join in, or just think/communicate/do a mind exercise using the prompts!

After all, we all need some sweet self-lovin’ ^.^

Let’s get to the 10 things about me, now that the 10 thousand thoughts in my head have been expressed:

  1. i fumble, I don’t like talking about myself, and that’s only because I am terrible at it. Both talking, and conveying to someone why I might be a remotely interesting human.
  2. i fear, and I used to let my fears define me. Now, I try my best to accept them as a part of me and something that I can work on to build better friendships and learning experiences.
  3. i do a lot of math! Math rocks!
  4. i create, be it daydreams in my head, crafty DIY projects, the magic of poetry, code that does things I didn’t think would be possible.
  5. i have leadership anxiety? I do not work too well when I have to lead big things and be ‘in-charge’ of a team. Even if I do end up working okay, I do not enjoy the process. But, I do well when I’m in charge of working on small projects that allow creative freedom with other people instead of them working under my leadership.
  6. i cannot remember, your birthday, due dates, plots of movies I’ve watched, some inside jokes or much of anything. My memory is not reliable. I always write things down and make reminders to keep my life from falling apart. I also always write down good memories so that I can revisit them.
  7. i plan! I love my planner and giving my day a concrete structure than I can do a fun little dance of productivity on gives me happiness.
  8. i fall in love with people and places a lot. I always try to make everywhere I go feel like home. With people, it isn’t even sensible romantic love because I become emotionally invested in people I haven’t even known for too long. It’s a good feeling because I always see the best in people and try to help them through the worst. As for my love life… ahahaha
    • *stands 18 feet away from the person I like*
      *admires from afar*
      “what a wonderful human being”
      “i love this human”
    • the end
  9. i love me, i love me not. I love myself, but I am also ironically very self-critical.
  10. i heart my family. My family is small, but they are my world.

Self Careathon, Day 1

#BlurtSelfCareathon